What Happens When it's Story Time
by Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor
Summary: What happens, indeed, when the gang in the Order decide to gather around and listen to a strange fairy tale invented by the natural storyteller Lavi himself. Here's a hint: It's not good. Crack-ish.


I apologize beforehand for all the stupidity! Mr. Ree here, with something humorous! It's a one-shot. Hopefully it's funny. XD So! Let us commence forthwith with "What Happens When it's Story Time"!

What Happens When it's Story Time

Once upon a time, there was a large castle.

Within this castle rested a large robot, named Komulin the Third. Everyone in the village below, commonly referred to as "The Black Order," was terrified of this ferocious beast. It scoured the lands with a mighty roar—

_But Komulin doesn't roar!_

Shut up, whose telling the damn story, me or you?

_Guys! Can we please not have another fight? Shush and listen! So, this robot?_

Right. The robot scoured the lands with a mighty roar, destroying crops and villages. One time, it even destroyed a mountain not far from here—

_Which mountain? Every mountain looks fine to me! Stop accusing my darling of such dastardly lies, you octopus! I ought to kill you!_

...Really? How many times are you gonna interrupt me?

_Brother, please. Continue, Lavi._

Okay. So, the mountain that got destroyed managed to destroy farmland, too. The villagers, all put up with the actions of this robot, decided to try and defeat the hunk of metal, but to no avail. They waited for days, awaiting a savior of the lands, known as the infamous Crowned Clown, to come and stop the beast from reeking havoc upon their homes.

_Wait, whoa, I'm in this story? _

So the Crowned Clown, upon—

_Allen-kun... Is that chocolate cake? I thought you didn't like chocolate. _

_Huh? Oh, yeah. Reever gave it to me to give to you. _

—upon hearing—

_Mm, it's really good! _

_I'll take your word for it. Ooh, Lavi! Do I get a fancy hat in this story? I've always wanted one. Please?_

...Fine. The Crowned Clown, wearing his fancy hat—

_Is it a jester's hat?_

...a fancy jester's hat, upon hearing the ills of the poor village, traveled a great distance to arrive. At the edge of the village, when the sun seeped below the horizon, the sky colored a magnificent—

_Hey, Baka Usagi. Where am I in this "tall tale" you're spewing? Che._

I'm getting there! Anyways. The sky colored a magnificent shade of purple, glittered with stars and a crescent moon, the Crowned Clown arrived. He—

_Hah! Take that, Ba-Kanda! I get more attention than you do!_

_Oh, shut up, Moyashi. You're some dumb nerd whose wearing a geeky hat with a dumb name. _

_What was that?_

_Guys! _

Oi. As I was saying, he kicked up the settling dirt of the beaten road, eying the village doors, all of which were locked. He glanced over to the looming castle, high upon a peak that still managed to look large, even from a distance. Adjusting his hat, he took another step forward, but nearly collapsed from fatigue after his long journey.

_What! I'm not that lame! I wouldn't do that!_

_Che. You totally would._

However, a young maiden—

_Says you! You wouldn't survive a boat trip from China to Edo in Japan, you girly man!_

A young maiden—

_I'm going to fucking shave your goddamn head, Moyashi!_

_Guys! Language! Am I going to be forced to whack you both over the edge of the railing in the halls? I can do to you what I did to Komui when the REAL Komulin went rampant!_

...Yikes...? Like I said, a young maiden, named Lenalee, approached the tired traveler and offered him to stay at her place—

_THAT FILTHY OCTOPUS!_

—for the night, completely G-rated and without anything flirtatious events what-so-ever.

_Oh. Carry on, then._

She said, in the midst of their tea-drinking, "Sir, I suppose you have heard the qualms that are engulfing our poor village. Please, could you do the honor of destroying the robot? I've tried once before, but somehow, that thing keeps on regenerating! I believe you are our only hope."

The Crowned Clown accepted the quest (though, he already did, which is why he was there in the first place) and stayed the night to recover from the trip.

The next morning—

_I still don't see where I come into the picture, you damned rabbit!_

I said I'm getting there! Sheesh! So, the next morning, the Crowned Clown emerged from the young maiden's house and traveled north towards the haunted woods. People moved out of his way as he dared to step one foot within the forest, whispering in a dangerous voice, telling him that he was not welcome. The Crowned Clown was not afraid. He traversed through the forest, weapon ready at his side, when suddenly,

_Finally! A good part!_

...a man stepped out from behind the tree, wearing odd clothes.

_...That better not be me, Baka Usagi._

They were pink and frilly—

_You're just asking for an ass-kicking!_

—and fit for a girl, so the Crowned Clown asked him for her name.

"Girl? How dare you! I'm a boy in disguise to trick that blasted robot! I ought to kill you for that!"

_Your days are numbered._

"I am sorry, sir," the Crowned Clown replied politely. "I didn't mean—"

"Silence with your nonsense! To the death!"

_I don't fucking talk like that! _

The two went into a flurry of swords, the now no-longer-dressed-in-pink-but-black man savagely swinging his katana. The Crowned Clown, nearly out of options, decided to trick the brutal swordsman at the last moment. He stepped in front of a tree and waited for the next attack. The idiot swordsman, falling for his trick, tried to stab him, but instead stabbed the bark of the tree. Embedded in the wood, he couldn't move as the Crowned Clown hacked his legs off.

_That's it. I'm leaving!_

_Aw, is Ba-Kanda too much of a sissy to stay for the whole story? _

_Allen-kun, Kanda! Please stop fighting!_

"How dare you!" cried the man. "You will pay for this!"

The Crowned Clown shrugged, picking up the legs and putting them in his bag as trophies. "I would stay, but I've got a robot to kill. I'll come back to take your arms off for my fancy new table later, okay? Just sit tight."

_Whoa. That's... brutal._

_Che. I would be the one chopping off his legs, not mine._

After the exchange of words, the Crowned Clown wandered through the spooky woods, heading up towards the gate of the castle. With grotesque statues, he walked slowly, eying his surroundings. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, so he continued onwards until he ran into a fearsome vampire!

_W-what? A vampire? Oh, no! Tell me he doesn't get bitten!_

_It's just a story, Lenalee. I'm not turning into a vampire._

_Oh, good._

His fangs, sharp and bloodthirsty, oozed sanguine droplets onto the musty ground. His eyes, darker than the night, gave shudders to the bravest of men. However, the Crowned Clown was not afraid. Instead, he said, "You really need a breathe mint, don't you? Here! I got you a snack!"

Pulling out the dripping legs and spliced arteries of the flesh, he tossed to the vampire the two legs he acquired from the girly swordsman—

_I look like a male, damn it!_

Keep telling yourself that, Yuu.

_I. Am going. To kill you._

Anyways. He tossed the legs to the vampire, distracting his foe for a mere few seconds as he made a mad dash to the gates. The vampire, finishing his snack, chased after the brave warrior, but smashed his own face against the door when the Crowned Clown managed to close it at the last second. As a result, the vampire lost all of his teeth for the sake of the story.

The halls of the castle, dingy and damp, made everything unpleasant, down to the flowers spurting out of the cracks of the walls. He continued onwards until he heard a large, mechanical "TARGET LOCATED" sound behind him. He turned—

_Komulin does no such thiiiing!_

_Brother, please! Stop making such a ruckus!_

_Bu-but Lenalee! He's making Komulin to be the bad guy!_

_THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS!_

Uh. He turned to face the robot, clinking and clanging with one large, blue eye that slowly turned red. It flailed and trampled the Crowned Clown in three seconds flat, not even needing to use his laser beams of mass destruction.

_Wait. I thought this was supposed to be a happy ending?_

Oh, it is. The poor Crowned Clown, smooshed beneath the metal legs of the dangerous robot, twitched once before another hero, with dashing good looks and a weapon so powerful even the Crowned Clown was at his mercy, arrived to the scene. With one eye and—

_Hold on a second! That's not fair, making you turn out to be the hero!_

I'm sorry, I can't help that I am the next best thing since cream cheese.

_You jerk! You did this on purpose! We'll see whose weapon is stronger!_

Hey! I'm not done yet—AGH!

~O~

Lenalee felt herself twitch as Allen launched himself at Lavi, strangling the poor sap into submission.

"We both know that I'm the Destroyer of Time, not you!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, whose taller, me or you?"

"That has nothing to do with it!"

Reever, who managed to get a break at last, passed by to see the brawl ensuing. He tapped Lenalee on the shoulder, confused at the sight. "Uh, what exactly is going on here?"

"Boys are idiots," she politely informed. "Guys, stop fighting and let me finish the story!"

The two blinked in the middle of their fight. "Huh?"

She cleared her throat. "Komulin..."

~O~

Komulin, after meeting the new hero, grew enraged from the fact that humans kept violating and trespassing on its property. It began to malfunction out of its rage, but before it could do anything, the young maiden from before destroyed the stupid thing. The Crowned Clown and the other, blinking once, watched as she floated down back to the castle floor.

"There's a reason," she said, "that girls are ten times better than boys. For one, they don't go chasing after robots. For two, they move away from areas where robots are, like a normal person. And for three, they don't make stupid fairy tales. That is all."

She left without another word, happy she ended the silliness, and rode off into the sunset on a giant Timcanpy.

The End. Now, let's go do worthwhile things, like eating this cake.

_...I-if you say so, Lenalee._

~O~

I don't know what happened. Anyways! Do you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! Thanks for reading!


End file.
